you must think that this must lead somewhere
but this is how it is.
most thoughts don’t lead to anywhere.
at least, my thoughts.
they come around in circles – like in a jalebi.
and all you do is swallow them and move on, or try to.
These days I can laugh at myself for being so embarrassingly cheesy in my early 20’s. I am that old. LOL. I was digging through my old files in my hard drive and found a poem that i’d written more than 10 years ago. However, I do think that the part about the horizon and being blue is quite good. hahahahaha.
Somehow I didn’t give it a title.
I am lost in your eyes
I am lost in your love
I am lost in you
So, come find me
Because the lonely nights have begun
The torture in my soul is growing
It’s a maze you’ve got me in
I’m like a sunken ship
Drowning and Falling within
So, come find me
I am at the horizon
Where the ocean has met the sky
I’m blue as you are
And you blue as I
We reflect onto each other
We reflect each other
You and me, Me and You
I am so lost in you
So, come find me
Today, September 22 would have been ama’s 63rd birthday. And as tradition had been for many years now, she would have celebrated it with kids at one particular orphanage. In my heart, I wanted to keep that tradition, that celebration alive for her and for myself. I feel that she would have wanted that too…so we were at the orphanage today to celebrate her birthday.
At the orphanage, I was asking some of the kids if they’d remembered ama and that she had passed away last year but today was her birthday and so on….when one of the kids, a young boy, said to me, “It must have been difficult for you….”
Despite having heard that sentence from so many, I couldn’t stop thinking about it for the rest of the day. Yes, overcoming the trauma of ama’s passing has been immensely difficult for me but here was a child, orphaned for whatever reasons, adopted by the orphanage that he now shares with 20 plus children, offering his sympathies to me with a smile.
I was very close to ama. My father left us when we were little. Losing her was something unimaginable, unthinkable for me. But today, suddenly, I found a sense of closure being amongst kids who are, perhaps in many ways, braver than me.
Happy birthday ama.
Today was a beautiful day.
ama’s passing still feels every bit unreal.
like it couldn’t have happened to us. to me.
cancer only happens to other people.
death only happens in other families.
“she’s no more,” rings in my head ever so often
that i feel like i am living two lives.
one that drags me further down into an endless pit
and the other that tries to keep up with ‘normalcy’.
i am weaker than i can bring myself to admit.
i am stronger than i can bring myself to admit.
pens are no different from memories
— quite unreliable.
no different from thoughts
— they both run out.
Hadi said that the weather didn’t bother him. well, those weren’t his exact words but it was something like he had no complaints about it. “we can’t change nature,” he’d said and so we must accept that. he couldn’t understand people who complained about nature. then, i went on to profess how much i loathed winter – all the darkness and snow.
afterwards, i felt like a fool.
pieces of text from a year and a half back in this book. mine is on page 28.
i might have already posted parts of it before. i can’t remember.