It’s been a while since I wrote anything of substance. ‘While’ is probably an understatement for a gap of four long years. As I scroll through my own writing in this blog, I don’t recognize myself anymore. Who is this person? Or was? With so much energy, emotion and passion.

Once again it’s September. The most difficult month of the year since 2017. Ama’s death changed my life, changed me deep down. It’s been four years and yet, the lump in my throat never gets easier to swallow. I haven’t had the courage to go back into writing.

What would I write about anyway?

I do have a daughter now and she’s a ball of energy to reckon with. A nearly 2 year old that keeps me on my toes during the day and deprives me of sleep at night. What more could I have wished for? :P I am perpetually tired, eternally sleepy and constantly shouting, ‘Don’t do that. Don’t touch that. Don’t climb on the table. Don’t bang on the glass. Don’t hit the dog. Don’t throw your food. Don’t eat the balloon. Don’t hit grandma. Don’t walk barefoot. Don’t pee on the chair. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t.”

To summarize, my day is a series of Don’ts from the moment I wake up to the moment I eventually get to sleep.

jalebi

you must think that this must lead somewhere
but this is how it is.
most thoughts don’t lead to anywhere.
at least, my thoughts.
they come around in circles – like in a jalebi.
sticky circles.
and all you do is swallow them and move on, or try to.

A cheesy old love poem

These days I can laugh at myself for being so embarrassingly cheesy in my early 20’s. I am that old. LOL. I was digging through my old files in my hard drive and found a poem that i’d written more than 10 years ago. However, I do think that the part about the horizon and being blue is quite good. hahahahaha.

Somehow I didn’t give it a title.

—-

I am lost in your eyes
I am lost in your love
I am lost in you
So, come find me
Will you?
Because the lonely nights have begun
The torture in my soul is growing
It’s a maze you’ve got me in
I’m like a sunken ship
Drowning and Falling within
So, come find me
Will you?
I am at the horizon
Where the ocean has met the sky
I’m blue as you are
And you blue as I
We reflect onto each other
We reflect each other
You and me, Me and You
I am so lost in you
So, come find me
Will you?

moving on.

Today, September 22 would have been ama’s 63rd birthday. And as tradition had been for many years now, she would have celebrated it with kids at one particular orphanage. In my heart, I wanted to keep that tradition, that celebration alive for her and for myself. I feel that she would have wanted that too…so we were at the orphanage today to celebrate her birthday.

At the orphanage, I was asking some of the kids if they’d remembered ama and that she had passed away last year but today was her birthday and so on….when one of the kids, a young boy, said to me, “It must have been difficult for you….”

Despite having heard that sentence from so many, I couldn’t stop thinking about it for the rest of the day. Yes, overcoming the trauma of ama’s passing has been immensely difficult for me but here was a child, orphaned for whatever reasons, adopted by the orphanage that he now shares with 20 plus children, offering his sympathies to me with a smile.

I was very close to ama. My father left us when we were little. Losing her was something unimaginable, unthinkable for me. But today, suddenly, I found a sense of closure being amongst kids who are, perhaps in many ways, braver than me.

Happy birthday ama.
Today was a beautiful day.

ama’s passing still feels every bit unreal.
like it couldn’t have happened to us. to me.
cancer only happens to other people.
death only happens in other families.

“she’s no more,” rings in my head ever so often
that i feel like i am living two lives.
one that drags me further down into an endless pit
and the other that tries to keep up with ‘normalcy’.

sometimes,
i am weaker than i can bring myself to admit.
other times,
i am stronger than i can bring myself to admit.