July 22, 2015

can’t believe that it’s been nearly three months since i wrote anything here. march, april and may were my thesis & essay submission months. so that was the reason of my absence. but june and july….were sheer laziness.

well since the last time i wrote, i have finished my mfa here in gothenburg. since then, i have said goodbye to many friends i spent my last two years with, in and outside of class. since then, i have traveled with my family and friends here and there in sweden and around.

since then, i have also been waiting for the summer which seems to have forgotten gothenburg this year. but a friend tells me that this is how ‘normal’ summers are..over here…..with temperatures that hover around kathmandu’s winter. brrrr…i have been swimming twice and the water was freezing for my standards. anyway…it seems so silly to complain about the weather but that is what i find myself doing 50% of the day….

i miss kathmandu. but i am going to be here in this city for one more year. feels weird to be here for nearly two years now. some days, i feel like i have settled in and on other days, i absolutely regret having come here.

how does one cope with one’s hometown being destroyed by an earthquake…
and i am so far away.
the pictures streaming in are breaking my heart.

it makes one nervous when the tram is late.
not because one is getting late to reach somewhere,
but because one has to wait amidst strangers.
you keep staring at the screen and the minutes are passing so slow.
there is an occasional shuffling of restless feet, (of your own and others)
the dragging of weary soles,
and awkward pacing that all try to keep to their own boundaries,
lest it make others nervous by stepping into theirs.

“here, take these,” i say and hand you a bunch of words that are overflowing from my arms. “i can’t hold onto them anymore. they overwhelm me. they once belonged to you anyway. you must have them now.”

“here, take these,” i say and hand you a bunch of words that are slipping away like sand from my arms. “i can’t hold onto them anymore. they hurt me. they once belonged to you anyway. you must take them back now.”

i have crossed the line to the other side of life.
now that i am here, i wonder how much of the last 30 years i remember at all?

the sounds of the morning
echo from the floors above me
the rain pitter-patters like a
broken drain outside
reminding me of the monsoons of kalimpong
where raincoats, umbrellas and plastic shoes can’t protect you.

the kitchen tap is leaking again. i didn’t turn it around tight enough after doing the dishes. and now every few minutes, i have to bear the sound of that single drop collect enough weight and then fall with a ‘plopp’ on the steel of the basin. it irks me. but i won’t get up and away from the sofa, from under the blanket, from the laptop rested on my thighs, to twist the tap back in place. i tell myself, maybe i won’t hear the sound if i play some music. i tell myself, maybe i won’t waste a lot of water if i let it be all night. i tell myself…i must write this down….and such is life at this very moment.