moving on.

Today, September 22 would have been ama’s 63rd birthday. And as tradition had been for many years now, she would have celebrated it with kids at one particular orphanage. In my heart, I wanted to keep that tradition, that celebration alive for her and for myself. I feel that she would have wanted that too…so we were at the orphanage today to celebrate her birthday.

At the orphanage, I was asking some of the kids if they’d remembered ama and that she had passed away last year but today was her birthday and so on….when one of the kids, a young boy, said to me, “It must have been difficult for you….”

Despite having heard that sentence from so many, I couldn’t stop thinking about it for the rest of the day. Yes, overcoming the trauma of ama’s passing has been immensely difficult for me but here was a child, orphaned for whatever reasons, adopted by the orphanage that he now shares with 20 plus children, offering his sympathies to me with a smile.

I was very close to ama. My father left us when we were little. Losing her was something unimaginable, unthinkable for me. But today, suddenly, I found a sense of closure being amongst kids who are, perhaps in many ways, braver than me.

Happy birthday ama.
Today was a beautiful day.

Advertisements

ama’s passing still feels every bit unreal.
like it couldn’t have happened to us. to me.
cancer only happens to other people.
death only happens in other families.

“she’s no more,” rings in my head ever so often
that i feel like i am living two lives.
one that drags me further down into an endless pit
and the other that tries to keep up with ‘normalcy’.

sometimes,
i am weaker than i can bring myself to admit.
other times,
i am stronger than i can bring myself to admit.

tisdag

Hadi said that the weather didn’t bother him. well, those weren’t his exact words but it was something like he had no complaints about it. “we can’t change nature,” he’d said and so we must accept that. he couldn’t understand people who complained about nature. then, i went on to profess how much i loathed winter – all the darkness and snow.

afterwards, i felt like a fool.